A note on my selfish self.

If 2028 (12 years from now) is the latest we can expect the ‘sun eruption’ that will wipe out our electronics and way of living: heat – water… and all the rest before we can see the results of evolution and planetary peace, it’s all but over for me. I will be 75, if I make it through that shit.

I was born with a vision of society that I just ‘knew’ was the way it was, where everybody was kind, loving and cared about each other. I can remember what a blow it was to realize everybody didn’t think this way, or feel this way – it still catches me off guard today sometimes. It took me a lifetime and loads of cognitive dissonance to understand that it was a vision of the future and not applicable now, I kept thinking that if I did enough yoga, studied this, did that, that it would transform the world, at least it wouldn’t hurt so much for me, or catch me so unawares when I was happy and forgot where I was living. Sigh, it didn’t. Come to find out that that is much like looking at a person with a problem and seeing their higher self and all its possibilities, when the person themselves had no clue and expecting them to live up to the potential you see, instead of being themselves. It’s a bit insane. Trust me. I kept forgetting. I’d relax into life and get smacked in the face with the real truth. The sad truth.

The only reason I was interested in ET’s was because I thought that they might have a better, more loving, freer society that would have been more in line with what my inner knowing said should be. Most of them do. The ones who morally and ethically will not get involved for very good reasons – the teach a man to fish parable stuff… The ones that don’t have that imperative – or refuse that imperative, are the ones who because of the way this universe works are ‘helping’ us to evolve.

Many times in my life I have asked myself “What the hell were you thinking?” in reference to coming here and being born when I was born (just an eensy-weesny bit to early) but I think it may be because when I decided to come here my arrogance in believing that my mind and love could get me through anything, my tenacity… all the rest (arrogance!) would carry me through and I would rise above it. Well, let me tell you, I have failed miserably, on all fronts. The only thing I have managed to do is remember a dream, an inner fairie-tale of a place where it was better. The contrast of that dream has created in me a huge sadness, an immense sorrow, for this place, for all that I love, for all whom I love, for a quality of spirit that will not exist here on this planet for at least another hundred years, and for, very selfishly, me.

But I have held on and gritted my teeth even when my vision was so dark that I wanted to leave this planet by any means possible but I was scared to death I’d reincarnate in a worse predicament, so I gritted my teeth even harder. And that is what has been a drive for me to try to make this place better, to find a key to opening up something, somehow that would stop the pain of being stuck here, and maybe help create the epiphany I had when I was in high school. I saw this planet after the change. She had become a beacon vibrating her song of love (so beautiful that it made me cry), out into the universe. I had no idea how this was going to happen, I just knew, in my heart/mind that it already was a fact even if it was 1,000s of years in the future.

Accepting the fact that this will all occur after my natural death, that I will not see any but the beginnings of the blossoming of the dream in the hearts and minds of people is my sorrow, because with all of my being, I wanted to live that way now.


After all, it was the birthing of this concept that I was helping with, not it’s adult maturity. And after all, it was a lesson about arrogance – conceit and pride – to me, that those qualities could have worked, and they would have too, had I not been so spiritually immature. So after all, all I have left is knowing that one day, long after I have left this place that it will be that place of beauty and love. If I leave any imprint behind, I hope it to be that.

2 thoughts on “A note on my selfish self.”

  1. I definitely know how you feel…been there and done that many times myself. But who says you won’t get to see any of these wonderful changes happen? 🙂

    You haven’t failed. You are a part of these changes and I think you’re doing a marvelous job! 🙂

    I look for–and see more signs of positive change each and every day. You mention wanting to live that way now–and LIVING THAT WAY NOW IS EXACTLY WHAT MAKES IT ALL HAPPEN! So DO. DO live that way now. 🙂 Just keep doing what you’re doing and don’t give up!

    You’ll be around to see the changes reflect in your “outer” world, whether in your current physical life form or another, so hang in there and remember that you’re never alone.

    We’re all right here with you and we always will be. 🙂

    With Love,



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