As disclosure continues we will all have emotional reactions based on our own fears that come up, seemingly out of nowhere and strong enough to make us act out of character. I am writing about this because even with years of practice dealing with this, these emotional reactions can come up and bite your ass. Then, of course, you feel like a fool and if you are wise, you apologize numerous times to the people you were reacting all over.
Point in case; I hate to fly. I really hate to fly. I have an inner ear problem that makes movement difficult to me. I can’t do ferris wheels and I can’t do roller coasters, what causes thrills in others creates abject terror in me because of my sense of balance. Leaving Palm Springs airport was as dicey as coming into it due to the terrain, and the afternoon heating. The plane felt like it was on a rubber band and someone was using it like a paddle ball. I was sitting next to my husband, he was having his own issues of which I was unaware of to a certain extent, I am in full trigger mode, can’t understand anything around me except my terror. So I lean over to him and say that this is absolutely the very last time ever (!!!!!!) that I will get on something as stupid as a plane. I would rather crawl all the way home, than be in a plane. Because he was triggered also about something entirely different, his reaction was to be angry at me and think that I was yelling AT him. This catalyzed his emotions and gave him something to point them at, thus dumping his trigger. Unfortunately my trigger lasted far longer – as the plane continued to bump around for a while. My first reaction to terror is anger. So I can see how he ‘thought’ it was directed at him because he wasn’t thinking well either. He is well aware of my problem with plane rides etc. Of course, after telling me not to yell at him, my reaction to being abandoned in my terror was at that point swearing never to speak to him again, and if we hadn’t had to travel together I suppose it would have been days before I could have sorted it out in my head and actually speak to him. As it was, when we landed we found out that we had a three hour wait to get on the next flight due to storms across the middle of the continent.
I am a smoker. I am a dirty filthy person with a nasty habit that is outlawed everywhere, especially in airports. To go smoke I had to go through TSA check points and out the door and find a place to smoke that I hoped I would not get caught, to basically hide. To my utter horror, I discovered I had only 1/2 of a cigarette left. What I use to calm me down after ‘incidences’ like the plane ride was not available to me. I wondered just exactly what the universe was teaching me. TO stay OUT of airports and airplanes???? Why was my plane karma so rotten? After smoking I came back inside only to find that the boarding pass on my phone was for my last flight and I was not able to access the connecting flight pass on my phone, and I had to go through the ticketing counter again, then through the TSA check point.
By this time I was in an unspeakable array of strong, triggered emotion that I barely had control over. It was a question of sitting down in the middle of the concourse and crying my eyes out or being flaming mad. I did neither, because in the buildup of incidences I realized that this was a lesson from the universe, however painful, and that really it was up to me to decode the whole mess. So I asked the universe in my mind, “Are we done yet?” in the manner of what are you going to throw at me next? Because at this point I was really done, baked, finis.
My point in this long saga of airport abuse and flight terror? I am normally a nice happy person, and if I am unhappy I can usually debug and decode the mess and understand why without being nasty to another being because I know what’s up. Well, this time, even though I did know what was up, I had reached my tolerance level, and continued to be triggered and feeling trapped and abused. I could decode the whole mess, but I didn’t want to. I was truly ready to rent a car and drive home to Indy from Dallas. Truly. My husband had had enough of my shenanigans and was still in a snit, and I was looking at 5 more hours without nicotine. I knew what was going on. I knew why. I was still a hot mess.
Soooo – What happens when some of the more dicey disclosure information comes out and we are all triggered, and you can’t ‘fix’ it with a device like a smoke or a drink or a toke??? Hum??? Do we all explode? What happens when the information about what is really going on in this world is divulged and we are all emotionally raw?
I had a lot more complaining to do, and many more self-absorbed things to say yesterday, but I was unable to get to the keyboard to write. Consider yourselves lucky. Really. I’m outing my idiocy for a reason. That is to tell you to think about what will happen when we are all triggered at the same time – which, by the way, might happen. If just one of the looming topics makes it out to mainstream, like pedogate, like information on the entire ‘religions’ arena, like the cure for diseases that have taken many of our loved ones being available for the last 70 years and the reverse that they can be used to off anyone at any time by whomever, like there is an entire segment of the population that lives a futuristic lifestyle that we ‘know’ nothing about and that they never planned to tell us about, how will we all handle it? Just pick any one of above including many I didn’t mention, and you will have a triggered planet.
Then how do we treat each other, when we are, every last one of us triggered, mad, and upset? Do we see through what is going on, take a deep breath and determine to act like real human beings with empathy and compassion even when people around us may be having trouble with doing the same?
IMO, we must. Because one of us being able to do that will help others to and they will help even more to and it will spread. In time, we will work through what triggered unreasoning emotions and be able to decide how we CHOOSE to act, instead of reacting without forethought or empathy.
When looked at in retrospect the series of events that led up to the ridiculousness of my situation gave me pause – in retrospect… (In the back of my mind during the whole debacle too.) Finally with my feet on the ground and a generous donation from a fellow smoker of 2 whole tobacco sticks, I was able to reign it all in and think about how idiotically obvious the lesson was, how in my face.
The flight from Dallas to Indy was as smooth as silk. (really) I had purchased a small travel blanket that I wore like a cloak because it was 109 in Palm Springs, and unexpectedly 60 degrees in Dallas, and I held the blanket up to the window on the plane and watched the stars, the city lights and the dancing orbs shooting around up at 35,000 ft. playing all over the sky. It was a magical, lovely flight.
How will we choose? Will we react, or act? We who know, and we who need to lead????
Post Script: after landing while waiting to get our bags, I go out to smoke the last gift cigarette, digging in my bag for a lighter, and what do I feel in the bottom of the bag? An entire pack of unopened cigarettes that I had had with me the whole time. Tell me if the universe’s sense of humor isn’t a bit twisted….
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