Two roads diverged in a yellow wood…

I am not sure what to say – how to describe this. If you aren’t sensitive to ‘vibes’ then I don’t have the words, but I want to try anyway. I have recently lost both my parents within 4 months of each other. I was present with both of them at the time. The two experiences could not have been more different.

One because I was all alone with my mom and with my dad I was surrounded by people. I am a reluctant empath – a strong one, and I feel other’s feelings, I feel other’s thoughts, and I feel other’s physical bodies – if I’m around them long enough I actually take on their physical resonances, even if they are out of balance. Trust me, this is NOT a gift.

My mother was not ready to leave. She had emotional pain that was so unresolved. She fought very hard to stay here, even knowing she was dying. At the end her heart went into tachycardia and so did mine. At the time I didn’t know what was happening and I passed out in a chair (luckily) and I don’t know whether I was present with mom as she left her body in that other state because I can’t remember. When I came out of it I immediately realized something was wrong and went back to her bedroom to check on her and she had passed. It had been about 40 minutes that I was out. By that time her body was cold so her passing probably happened when I passed out. I found out later that the body gives one last effort at life at the moment of death with a tachycardial burst just before it stops.

My dad was different because there were two other people present, my step mom, the nurse, and me. We were standing around his bed and while I felt the tachycardia in my body, it wasn’t overwhelming because of the healthy people with me. His ending, his transition was peaceful. My step mom’s heart broke in that moment, mine too. When such a vibrant personality leaves there will always be that gap in your heart a space where they existed in linear 3D time, their energy vortex as part of your identity leaves a gap as it goes. But he was at peace. I felt it. It was, in a word, amazing. And his presence didn’t leave, I felt that too, he was hanging, just in case, watching over us.

I was able to see him in a hypnogogic state that night, he gave me that silly wide-eyed look he used to use when he knew he was pulling the wool over my eyes and getting away with it ( except for the look…that always gave the joke away – we never told him, it was our only defense….) That dang hypnogogic state in between sleep and waking, is a very fragile place – feeling strong emotion usually snaps you right out of it – and when I saw my dad the joy was shocking! He had just enough time to give me that funny look of his and bang! The energy of my joy shot me into wakefulness. However, I know he is just fine…somewhere. He’d make an awesome ghost – the pranks would be epic… But then again anything he did in life, and he did a lot, was all always epic. He was the poster boy for ‘if you are going to do it, do it big and do it with all your heart, and do it well.’

With my mother it was vastly different. It was like the darkness took her when she passed. The only message I got immediately after her passing was to call her brother. Which I did – I couldn’t not, and I couldn’t put it off, the message was so strong. In the succeeding days it was very hard to walk back into her house, and it wasn’t until about a week ago, that I finally saw her in the hypnogogic state, finally able to sit in her chair in her favorite brilliant blue shirt and paint. When it happened I was mildly surprised and called out “Mom?”, and broke the state of mind and she vanished. But I was very glad to know she was healing and finding a better, higher, much lighter vibe, that her being was coming out of the dark swirling that took her when she died. It is easier now to go into her house, and the packing of her belongings is finally happening.

What I learned from this is that where you are in your own heart, how at peace you are with your life and all its aspects has a great bearing on how you pass through the veil. I was there with both of them and I felt every last little thing. It’s not whether you have cleaned your light aura out or whether you are advanced in your spiritual practice or any such bull shit – it is totally about your heart and how you feel about yourself and your life. I saw both ends of the spectrum, because both of my parents were beautiful people, good people but in the end, it was who they thought they were and how they felt about it, that was the game changer.

So what I am going to do with even more fervor than before, is work on finding that peace, compassion and love in my heart for me and the others in my life and creating that balance and harmony and most especially love and compassion in my heart. I want absolute tons of it in my heart, I want so much that it radiates out of me and is given to all that it can reach.

I’m also going to remember my dad’s sense of humor, unfailing to the last and his sense of ornery, the laughing imp that was always a great part of him and see if I can’t awaken one in me too.


One last, I am not overwhelmingly sad. I look at the last 4 months in this light; Who do you know who gets to keep both parents so long that you have to go on Medicare before they pass? I am beyond grateful for this gift of years of love and the companionship that happens after many years.

I am blessed.


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