One Mother’s Covid Lament

To moms everywhere.

To be found one day after I die, maybe.

That is unless you die before me. You took the J&J vaccine. You reported a temp and a massive head ache for a day. Since these vaccines are now known to create brain blood clots, I can only assume you had a brain bleed. A minor one, but now I notice in your videos a facial tic. So I know you got one of the shots that had shit in them. Spike protein, and graphene. The out look for the quality of your life is at best tenuous.

I spent nine months carrying you inside my body, feeling you, watching you move in me, waiting for you to come out and reveal yourself to the world and me. I participated in a major miracle and was awe struck every day of it. And then you were born. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my whole 30 years. I watched you grow and become so much more, in awe of you, marveling at how wonderous you were. I know you would refute that, but its true. 

The day you left for college I cried because I knew down deep it was a turning point where nothing would ever be the same. And since then our relationship has been tenuous, to say the least, but I will take what ever I can get. 

The day you told me you took the shot was the worst day of my life and I knew I couldn’t say anything to you at all about it. It was the day I knew I might have to say a final good bye to you before you said final good byes to me. It was the day that I knew your quality of life was diminished, forever. Watching your face on the computer knowing you were waiting for me to say one thing that would allow you to hang up on me was hard. I tried very hard not to show my shock at hearing, watching you tell me you got vaccinated.

I have mourned for you since that day, deeply. Some days are better than others, but most days it is a quiet rage I hold against the people who would do this to the human race. I can only dimly imagine what the moms feel who got the shot and lost the babies they carried inside of their souls. Daily I wrestle with my feelings as I think about you. I wish I had tried to communicate with you regardless of how angry you got, I wish I had shoved all the articles and research I had done into your brain – to make you see what I saw – know what I had uncovered. But I was too afraid of losing you forever, coward that I am.

So I accept my stupidity and pay the price of knowing that I am responsible for hurting the most beautiful daughter in the world. I love you so dearly, I am dying inside. And I mourn, in my deepest places I am wild with grief, ranting and yelling, crying and curling in on myself from immense rage at the people who have done this to the world and rage at my own cowardice. And it echoes down the entire existence of my being to the ultimate death of my soul, “I am so sorry my darling.” 

So, so sorry. 

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